If you’re looking for evidence against the theory of evolution, look no further than the tallgrass prairie of Central Illinois. There roams a creature whose brain, thick skin, and belief that the strong are destined to eat the weak have not changed at all since the Mesozoic Era. Yes, we’re talking about … Bradysaurus.
{ed. note: There actually was a bradysaurus, known for its coarsely sculpted and knobby skull, the remains of which are found in the richly fossiliferous Tapinocephalus Assemblage Zone of the South African Karoo. Duh.}
In its heyday, our Bradysaurus ruled the Illinois Country, along with another native-born beast, Reaganosaurus. But then the world changed. The minimum wage was increased to $8.25 an hour. Gays and lesbians were given their own network TV shows. Reaganosaurus died off, although his bones are on display in a museum in California, and his fossilized opinions can be viewed on the Internet.
Until this year, most Illinoisans believed Bradysaurus was extinct. Then a robust adult male specimen won the Republican primary for governor, and is trying to reclaim the territory where he once stood atop the food chain. He’s determined to return our world to the way it was between 70,000,000 B.C. and 1965.
This week, Bradysaurus visited the Chicago Sun-Times newsroom, where he told the editorial board that local schools should be allowed to teach their students the theory of creationism.
“I believe knowledge is power, and I believe local school districts should establish the curriculum when it comes to those things,” Brady said.
He’s right. It is a local issue. As Bradysaurus proves, life does not evolve in McLean County.
Politics
Bradysaurus is also against allowing homosexuals to establish civil unions. Bradysaurus’s opponent, Gov. Pat Quinn, is a mammal whose ancestors evolved from apes. Quinn believes that the Illinois legislature will pass a civil unions bill this year, responding to a “need to encourage tolerance” in Illinois.
Quinn is eager to pass the bill before Bradysaurus can reclaim his old hunting grounds in Springfield. There were no civil unions in the Mesozoic Era -- no homosexuals, either -- so that’s how it will be as long as Bradysaurus is governor.
In Bradysaurus’s era, life was, as Hobbes would say, “nasty, brutish and short.” So unlike the last three governors, Bradysaurus wants to resume executing prisoners in Illinois.
Bradysaurus still walks the Earth, in defiance of the theory of evolution. If you happen to see him in Springfield, take a picture with your cell phone, because he’s the last of his kind.
{ed. note: In the ancient Greek, brady meant "slow" (βραδύς (bradys)), evidence of which can be found in contemporary medical terms, e.g., bradycardia (slow heart rate), bradypedestrianism (slow walk), and bradyphrenia (slow in thought).}
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