Positive social relationships are proven to combat anxiety, increase our happiness and help us live longer. But, as we get older, maintaining certain bonds, specifically friendships, can feel more challenging.
On a recent episode of Jay Shetty's podcast On Purpose, author Mel Robbins attempts to demystify why it's so hard to find friends in adulthood.
"The rules of friendship completely change when you hit your twenties," Robbins, who authored "The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About," told Shetty.
For a friendship to work, three different factors need to align, Robbins says.
1. Proximity
"When you were little, you were in proximity to people your age all the time," Robbins said.
School, groups sports, or church made it so we were constantly surrounded by people who were our age.
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Today more than half, 58%, of Americans don't live near or in the community where they grew up, according to 2018 data from Pew Research Center. This means that many of the friendships they had growing up probably are harder to maintain.
To really be someone's friend, seeing them consistently needs to be easy.
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2. Timing
The older you get, the more people you'll meet who are in different phases of life.
"Everybody's on different timelines," Robbins said. "Some of your friends are getting married. Some are going to graduate school. Some are now pursuing jobs."
Finding friends who are experiencing the same hurdles and hitting the same milestones makes it easier to connect.
3. Energy
How much you and another person have in common might change over time. And if your values don't align, it's hard to maintain a bond.
"You can have fantastic energy with somebody, and then if you decide you're not drinking anymore, the energy is off," Robbins said. "If you decide to get really focused on fitness, the energy is off. If you have very different political beliefs, the energy is off."
When an adult friendship fizzles, it's usually because one or more of these three pillars dissolves. And while it's hard to accept "you can't force those things," Robbins said.
To continue making friends when you're older, focus on who is close to you, what they are going through, and how much you two have in common. Being more intentional about who you approach means you're more likely to meet the right people.
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