For many people, going on a romantic date is a cause of great stress. This year, Valentine's Day is celebrated on the same day as Ash Wednesday. The last time that happened was in 2018, and it will happen again in 2029.
For those who consider faith an important part of their lives, the coincidence of having this Valentine's Day, a commercial holiday, on Ash Wednesday, a religious occasion, may pose a dilemma.
Ash Wednesday is not a fixed day. It can change depending on the moon calendar because Easter in the Catholic Church is celebrated “on the first Sunday after the Paschal full moon, which is the first full moon occurring either on or after the spring equinox (March 21),” according to the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.
This Catholic tradition marks the beginning of Lent, which culminates 40 days later with Holy Week. People who participate in this celebration receive a cross on their forehead, which they normally keep throughout the day.
Red flags on Valentine’s Day
If you are not a religious person, Valentine’s Day will be just the same. However, those who care about their religion may wonder: Is it a red flag to go on a romantic date with the Ash Wednesday cross on your forehead?
“I guess it depends on your definition of a red flag," said Dr. Cristen DeSantis, a psychologist based in Los Angeles. “If you go on the date, and you have the Ash Wednesday Cross. And your date thinks that's a red flag. That's information you're going to want ahead of time because it sounds like if you're showing up that way, your faith is important to you.”
For some people, a romantic date may be a time just to have fun, but others may have other intentions.
"If somebody is going to ghost you after a first date because of that, you'd rather know now after the first date than go on six or seven dates,” Dr. DeSantis said.
She added that being honest on first dates plays an important role in a relationship.
Feeling out of the loop? We'll catch you up on the Chicago news you need to know. Sign up for the weekly Chicago Catch-Up newsletter.
“I don't think there's any reason to not be honest," DeSantis explained. "You might not want to go into every traumatic thing that's ever happened in your childhood on a first date. That said, I don't think you need to lie if somebody's asking."
DeSantis also explained that it is necessary to know yourself and what you are looking for in a relationship in order to have the courage to ask difficult questions on first dates.
"You don't have to be, 'Are you going to be my husband?' But you could say, 'Hey, so what are you looking for?'" DeSantis said. "If they get all weird and give you a weird answer, that's information. That's probably somebody that's not ready for a serious relationship."
In addition to centering oneself and not starting a date or relationship from an anxious place, DeSantis advised that listening, noticing and looking at the other person's behavior is key.
Love and personal values
Jenny and Gabe Haggard got married over two years ago.
"When we met, I was dating someone else, and I was with that person for almost a year," Jenny recalled. "When I broke up with that person, Gabe found out. And we started dating and got engaged after 10 months”.
She said that sharing her values was very important from the beginning.
“I remember so fondly our first few dates because we did talk a lot about our faith. We did talk about the kind of life that we wanted to have together.”
Jenny added that it was important to know that they both had the same goals in life. However, knowing that they shared the same faith was not the only important aspect.
"There are tons of opportunities to grow, to increase our intimacy, to compromise, and to come together to make decisions," she said.
For Gabriel, religion was important, but he knew that many times people tend to idealize a perfect person. For him, a relationship is a journey with another person.
“I think dating is, and really should be, the best test run before marriage, because marriage only works if you are honest, if you are willing to sacrifice, and if you're vulnerable and doing these hard things”.
Katie and Gabriel Sayegh have been married for two and a half years.
“When I was in the dating world, it was very difficult to figure out when is the right time to bring it up and how much do I bring it up? And in what way?,” said Kaitie referring to how she spoke about her values and religion.
“I think there is the initial date, a good amount of time of feeling out where I didn't necessarily shout from the rooftops my personal faith because it was, you know, not quite as accepted culturally as maybe some other beliefs”.
She thinks that faith is such an important part of who she is.
"If it's part of what dictates the decisions you make and what's important in your life, it's something that the person you date should know," Katie explained.
Gabriel shared a great piece of advice he got one time: Life only gets harder.
"Sometimes we think that the wedding day is the end and then you get your happily ever after," Gabriel said. "I really do think it's the opposite that the work really begins. And when you're dating, you're dating to try to work towards someone you're gonna build a whole life with.”
With their dating and marriage experience, Kate and Gabriel now volunteer with a group of young couples to help people in their First 5 years of marriage in Saint Monica Catholic Church.
“I think as a culture, we tend to think that the wedding is the fairy tale. Then you get your happily ever after, and everything is smooth sailing from there on," Katie said. "But what we've really found is that that's when the work begins. And it is a challenge, but in a good way, It's a way for you to grow individually and together every day."
Even though religion is an important aspect, Katie thinks that there are many other important cues that people should pay attention to when they are dating.
“There are a lot of ways that you can pay attention to things your date says and things that are important to them that give you clues. I would say that in at least those first five dates, it's really good to kind of get a feel of what the other person cares about."
"Let's not waste each other's time"
When people are dating, they need to be ready to ask important questions, according to Dr. DeSantis.
“A lot of people are really nervous to say things like 'What are you looking for?' or to say, 'Hey, you know, I'd love to hear from you more than once every two weeks,' or 'I'd like you to take me on a date and not just call me at 11 o'clock.' People are afraid.”
And if a relationship is not going in the right direction after addressing important questions, knowing when to call it quits will be the right step forward, DeSantis said.
“No, let's not waste each other's time."
