Give a man a cooler, and he will drink. Give a really angry man a cooler, and he will toss it across the dugout in a fit of rage after he is removed from a baseball game. Jesus didn't say that. But he could have.

Call it the parable of Carlos Zambrano, whose dugout antics are consistently insane and therefore consistently funny. There's nothing quite like a punchy Big Z feeling the need to take out his anger on something inanimate. Like a water cooler. Or Michael Barrett. Preferably Michael Barrett.

But the Cubs have had enough of Zambrano's destructive ways. The old-school Gatorade containers Zambrano has been known to throw around the dugout have been replacted by industrial, heavy duty water and Gatorade dispensers. Those would be difficult enough to throw. They're even worse when they're, you know, bolted into cement:

But this dispenser, which looks like something you'd see at a fast-food restaurant, is bolted into the ground, making it difficult for even Big Z to pick up. The dispenser serves both yellow and fruit punch Gatorade, in addition to water. The dispenser replaces the plastic Gatorade jugs, and is situated where the beaten up water cooler once stood.

The question now is, where do water coolers go when they're retired? Does the water cooler get a consulting gig in the locker room? Is the water cooler a club ambassador, a la Denis Savard? Does the water cooler make his next move -... as an ESPN baseball-hydration analyst? We bet the water cooler is more interesting than John Kruk.

Eamonn Brennan is a Chicago-based writer, editor and blogger who likes Kruk's hair, despite it all. You can also read him at Yahoo! Sports, Mouthpiece Sports Blog, and Inside The Hall, or at his personal site, eamonnbrennan.com. Follow him on Twitter.