Recapping Week 5 of the 2023 NFL season.
Week 5 of the NFL season started with Justin Fields, Matt Eberflus and the Bears getting off the mat by dismantling the Washington Commanders at FedEx Field.
The Bears still have a ton of issues, but the offensive success they’ve found against two porous defenses has me believing they aren’t as bad as the dumpster fire they appeared to be in the first three weeks.
Speaking of dumpster fires, that putrid smell spreading down the eastern seaboard is emanating from Foxboro after the Saints rolled into Gillette Stadium and pantsed Bill Belichick and the Patriots. The former kings of the NFL followed up a 38-3 loss to the Cowboys in Week 4 with a 34-0 stinker against the Saints.
Welcome to the Caleb Williams lottery, New England.
Meanwhile, in the Bay Area, Brock Purdy and Kyle Shanahan spent three hours toying with the Dallas Cowboys in a resounding statement win for the NFL’s best team.
Brock Purdy is going to win MVP, isn’t he?
Here’s where every team stands after Sunday’s Week 5 action:
NFL
32. Carolina Panthers (0-5): Bryce Young could really use a guy like DJ Moore.
31. Denver Broncos (1-4): Losing to the “offseason champs” is a tough look for Sean Payton.
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30. New England Patriots (1-4): The Patriots have lost their last two games by a combined score of 72-3. Honestly, it could have been worse.
29. New York Giants (1-4): Daniel Jones has been sacked 17 times in the past two games and left Sunday’s contest with an injury. It’s about time to turn out the lights on the 2023 Giants.
28. Arizona Cardinals (1-4): The Cardinals are the perfect NFL “tank” team. They play hard, give opponents hell for 45 minutes, and their lack of talent forces them to fade. They have to watch out for Josh Dobbs, though. The journeyman quarterback is just good enough to ruin their draft slot.
27. Washington Commanders (2-3): Someone might want to tell Eric Bieniemy that Terry McLaurin is on his team. Only five targets against a depleted Bears secondary is malpractice.
26. Chicago Bears (1-4): After three weeks filled with inexplicable BS on offense, the Bears have finally found their groove based on the novel concepts of getting DJ Moore the football and letting Justin Fields do what he’s comfortable doing. How about that?
25. Minnesota Vikings (1-4): The Vikings have now lost four one-score games and are bracing for star wide receiver Justin Jefferson to miss time with a hamstring injury. Sometimes things just don’t break in your favor. In fairness, everything broke the Vikings’ way last season.
24. Green Bay Packers (2-3): The Packers' offense was dreadful Monday in Las Vegas. Reality starting to set in that the Packers aren't a good team in 2023 and there's no Aaron Rodgers to save them this time around.
23. Las Vegas Raiders (2-3): Some people just aren't cut out to be head coaches. Josh McDaniels is one of those people.
22. Tennessee Titans (2-3): The Titans are your clubhouse leader for Jekyll and Hyde team of the year. One week, they destroy the Bengals. Then, they trip over themselves against Gardner Minshew and the Colts. Yech.
21. Houston Texans (2-3): C.J. Stroud now holds the NFL record for most pass attempts without an interception to start a career. If only he’d scored higher on the S2 Cognition test, right?
20. New York Jets (2-3): In the last two games, Zach Wilson has completed 72 percent of his passes for 444 yards, two touchdowns, and only one interception. He’s not lighting the world on fire, but it’s an improvement over where he was three weeks ago. Baby steps.
19. Los Angeles Rams (2-3): Sean McVay is going to have a lot of fun dialing up plays for Cooper Kupp, Puka Nacua, and Tutu Atwell. As long as Matthew Stafford is healthy, the Rams are going to be a tough out.
18. Atlanta Falcons (3-2): Desmond Ridder responded to adversity with his best game as a pro. If that Desmond Ridder continues to show up, the Falcons will be a threat in the NFC South.
17. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3): Joe Burrow’s calf is looking healthier, and the mediocrity in the AFC North has allowed the Bengals to stay alive. Should have cut their head off when you had the chance.
16. New Orleans Saints (3-2): Given the Saints’ soft schedule, there’s a good chance they’ll be 8-3 when December arrives, and we’ll still have no idea if they are good.
15. Indianapolis Colts (3-2): Can we please get more than two quarters of a healthy Anthony Richardson?
14. Cleveland Browns (2-2): Cleveland’s defense can get the Browns to the playoffs, but they’ll need more out of the $230 million man to go far in January.
13. Seattle Seahawks (3-1): Devon Witherspoon is the only rookie defensive back to notch two sacks and a pick-six in the same game. Seahawks Twitter can call off the impending Civil War over passing on Jalen Carter. Witherspoon is a dude.
12. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2): Did Brandon Staley make poor game-management decisions during the bye week? It can’t be ruled out.
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1): The Baker Mayfield of two years ago is back.
10. Baltimore Ravens (3-2): Lamar Jackson is now 1-3 in his career against the Steelers as a starter with four touchdowns, seven interceptions, and five fumbles. Pittsburgh is his Kryptonite.
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2): Joey Porter Jr., the No. 32 overall pick in the draft.
8. Dallas Cowboys (3-2): The Cowboys can keep calling themselves contenders in the NFC, but they aren’t in the same galaxy as the 49ers. In my professional opinion, the Dallas Cowboys got worked by the 49ers on Sunday night. The Cowboys are deeply unserious.
7. Buffalo Bills (3-2): The Bills have lost Tre’Davious White and Matt Milano in back-to-back weeks. Sometimes, things just break against you.
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2): Trevor Lawrence and the Jags got their mojo back in London.
5. Detroit Lions (4-1): David Montgomery already has more touchdowns in 12+ quarters as a Lion than he did in 16 games for the Bears last season.
4. Miami Dolphins (4-1): The Dolphins (Tyreek Hill, Devon Achane, and Raheem Mostert) hold the top seven spots on the NFL’s fastest ball carriers list in 2023. All the ‘Fins do is hit home runs.
3. Philadelphia Eagles (5-0): Jalen Hurts has now won 11 straight games on the road. What the Eagles do travels. That won’t change as long as No. 1 is under center.
2. Kansas City Chiefs (4-1): Travis Kelce tweaked his ankle on the artificial turf in Minnesota, sparking an uproar from Swifties everywhere. If the Swifties get involved, change just might be coming to the NFL. (Editor’s note: Kelce returned and scored a touchdown.)
1. San Francisco 49ers (5-0): The Death Star in Santa Clara is fully operational.
